Love Note (Turmoil)

The advance of desire, all these needs met

and then unmet again. I love them

my bright dead things, glowing above the garden.

Their neon blooms illuminate my sad little cartography. Here I am 

trying to reckon my past with my present.

Yesterday, I resented the contentment of this surrender. 

Do I have to give it all up to get something better? Can there be a way

to re-grow my malignant limb without first having to hack it off?

I reach for the death that stirs my thirst.

At first brush it is ecstacy. Then it removes me from my own body. 

What if we could each tear ourselves apart 

and slowly build a new future smushing together the rended chunks.

You tell me it can’t work. You tell me that we aren’t at the right time,

and if that’s true I need to hear you slam the door shut in my face.

Cut off all possibilities and let us be ships in the night. But!

I wish you weren't afraid of falling in love with me. 

I wish I wasn’t afraid of falling in love with me. 

I want to care about you and bring you into my dark garden and ask you

to just sit there and hold me in my body. 

The wrought iron gate hangs cracked open, neither closed nor inviting.

Is it selfishness that compels me to squeeze through your defenses? 

Is it parasitic instinct driving me to exit the dirt and worm my way around your heart? 

Give me something to work towards, give me something to lose.

Please blast through my own armor

and show me another way of feeling.